Since this is my first blog, I guess I should give some insights as to why I think I am a "Know it all" when it comes to divorce and post-divorce issues. As expected, I am divorced, and I have survived to talk about it and share with all of you. My new husband (yes, I did jump into the pool again, and no, there was no kool-aid drinking involved) was also previously married. I have more than a handful of friends who are divorced and remarried, and I have been a shoulder to cry on, or sounding board for them in their own trials and tribulations. Unfortunately, I am also a child of divorce, so I feel that I have some nuggets of wisdom that I could share with people who are at the beginning, middle or end of divorce, and what you may find on the other side. I will NOT give legal advice....but I will share with you some tricks that I have learned that may work for you, and help to keep your sanity. If nothing else, perhaps I can take your mind off your impending divorce and keep you entertained for the brief time I have your attention.
Here is the initial rule for beginning the divorce. The number one rule:
GET A LAWYER!!!!
Now some of you may be thinking, "but my proposed ex and I are actually doing okay now that we have decided divorce is for us. S/He is being really decent, and we are able to agree on how to divide things up, custody of the kids, child support, and even visitation!"
That is fabulous!!! Congratulations!! You have managed to do something in the afterglow of deciding to end your marriage that you have not been able to do for the majority of your marriage...agree!!
Seriously???
Personal insight section (insert here): I, too, sat where you are today...in utter amazement that my ex-husband-to-be was being so decent. There I was, sitting at my desk (oh, sorry...his desk...explanation to follow later), smiling, and wondering why so many people complained about divorce, and how emotionally draining it is! This is going to be easy! I can have custody of the kids? Sure, no problem. I can live in the house with them, while you make the payments? Of course! I can have all the household goods, furniture...everything in the house? Indeed, you can. Looking back on it now, I realize how naive I was to believe that this person I had just spent upwards of 20 years with, who did not EVER give up something for nothing, was just happy to work with me to resolve our marriage amicably. I am a frickin' magician!!!
So, it was decided. We would part as friends, since that was best for the children. He would get the lawyer to handle the paperwork, but we would work together and hammer out our agreement....afterall, he just wanted to be fair, and he would never screw over the mother of his children. Yes, that is actual, word-for-word, dialogue that came dripping from his mouth like honey. And I was the biscuit, soaking it all up.
I will break away from my story briefly….. the lawyer your former partner in life will get – REPRESENTS YOUR FORMER PARTENR IN LIFE!!! ONLY!!!! This lawyer is looking out for their own client- NOT YOU!! Ok…back to the story…..
It was about a week later that I went to the bank. Imagine my surprise when I was denied access to the account! So, I called him. I believe people may have actually called the police to report that a woman was standing in the middle of the bank, speaking in tongues, and had fire shooting from her eyes!! I thought I saw a man dive behind a desk when I attempted to make eye contact with him.
The same sickeningly sweet voice at the other end, that used to make my heart swell, but was now giving me indigestion, told me that all was well...he was just protecting himself, and that he had set me up with a deposit into my own account that would take care of any expenses I had. I calmed down enough to leave the bank, and head home. Once my head stopped spinning, I realized that I had no idea the amount of money “his majesty” would actually bestow on me. Well, as expected, he low-balled me. And, thus, the ball starting rolling downhill, and picked up a massive amount of speed along the way.
Not long after that, Satan approached me with some paperwork to sign. "What is it?" I asked apprehensively. Well, it was paperwork to voluntarily take me off of his health insurance, waive death benefits on life insurance, IRA, and 401k. He told me it was all on the up-and-up, and that if I had any of those things, he would sign off on mine. He also told me that his lawyer had advised him that he would get it anyway, and that if I did not sign, then we would have to go to court. Now if that happened, said Satan, I would be forced to get a lawyer, and he would not pay for it.
By the time the "amicable" divorce was final, I had given up spousal support, and forever waived any right I had to a portion of the funds he used to pay off his school loans (but not mine) during our marriage.
Everything Weasel had told me was a lie…SHOCKING!!!
The heartbreaking reality of my situation is this: if I had gotten a lawyer, I would have known that he had to keep me on his health insurance for 6 months post-divorce. I could have gotten back a chunk of change used to pay off his school loans, since I worked and put him through school, and sacrificed my own education until many years after he had graduated. I could also have received spousal support until I completed my education and found a job. And he probably would have had to pay for my attorney, or at least a portion of the fees.
Bottom-line...I have spent much money and many years trying to fix the mistakes in my divorce decree and visitation plan. It is better to get it done right at the beginning. It is better to know what your rights are, and what you are giving up. I am not proposing that all divorces go to trial, where you pull out your claws, and air all your dirty laundry. If an amicable divorce is working for you, then I say "go for it." My rule stands, however; get a lawyer. A lawyer will be able to either draft the paperwork and submit it properly to the court, or review the other side's paperwork to ensure your rights are being addressed, and you are not getting your ass handed to you.
Now, the subsection to the above rule is this: When you look for a lawyer –
GO BIG OR GO HOME!!!
Do NOT shop for a lawyer who will be your best buddy. Do not shop for a lawyer who is the sweetest person you have met…who really cares about you. Do NOT shop for a lawyer who has a great personality. Hire the biggest SOB you can find (and do it before you Ex has a chance to)!! Find the largest shark in the water that is just circling until there is a drop of blood in the water. You do not have to like this person. You do not have to be friends with them after the divorce, or add them to your Christmas card list. You have to protect yourself…just do it, and make no excuses for it!
If you are going to fight…CLASH!!!
Now, if you cannot do the "let's be friends" divorce, then get your shark early, and start plotting. I know it sounds horrible, but it is a reality. Divorce is a highly emotional state to find yourself in, and you are probably not thinking clearly and unemotionally. Your shark will, though. For the first time in your life, you will look around and wonder how much $ it would take to “handle” the situation, and collect life insurance. Obviously, this is not a good idea!! If your divorce is not amicable, you can bet that the person you just spent "x" amount of years with, and told all your most intimate and darkest secrets, will have no problem retelling every one of them to the judge in an attempt to make you look like an alcoholic selling pot to the neighbor boy from the minivan, and has a revolving door at the Motel 6 down the road. Remember, the judge does not know you from the last couple that stormed in and out of her court seeking a divorce. She does not know that your ex has a tendency to over-exaggerate when it suits him. And she does not know that your silence in not because you are “above” the mudslinging and that you have decided not to engage in the dirty play and name-calling the rats at the other table have scripted. The judge is more like to believe that you have nothing bad to say about “the annointed one”(aka your spouse), and has never done anything wrong. Bad move. This is your time to let your voice be heard. Divorce court is where the least bad person in the relationship – Wins!!!
This person that you are divorcing...there is a reason you decided that this was the only viable solution! S/He has not changed overnight for the better, simply because you are now going your separate ways. If this prose has done nothing else, I hope it will convey to you the importance of getting proper representation in your divorce. Pay the shark once to get it right, so you don't have to take out a second mortgage to get it fixed for many years after.
P.S. Even though Ass had initially stated that I could have all the furniture, he decided that the best items (like the antique oak desk) would be better showcased at his home. But, hey, he at least left me the crap!!!
